The moral of this story is, be fucking specific about where you want to meet up for a first date. And because its 2017 and women have all the power. I mean not when it comes to reproductive rights or anything, but hey, at least we can confidently pick our first date location for a date with our Bumble Bro of the Month. Weve already established all the places you 100 percent should not go on a first date lest your body parts end up for sale on Craigslist. So heres a comprehensive guide to all the bars in the city that are perfect date locations whether youre DTF, ready to find your next
victim boyfriend, or trying to make your ex jealous. Dating is so fun, yall!
Date Vibe: Im nervous you might be ugly
This bar is in Bed-Stuy so youll sound edgy AF for suggesting it and also like you know the real Brooklyn night scene. Dynaco has a soft spot in my heart because Ive personally taken a lot of Bumble bros there, so don’t say I’ve never done any research. Its got a very cool, hipster vibe, in the sense that the place has barely any lighting and the bar is cash only. Gotta love the hipsters. The good news here is that the shitty lighting can work in your favor. Like if youre having one of those weeks where your body, skin, and hair are ganging up against you to sabotage your happiness. The bad news is your date might be banking on the same fucking thing. If you choose this spot you either need to be super naive trusting of a persons profile pics or you need to have done some serious stalking on their social profiles beforehand just to make sure you arent kittenfished in any way.
2. THE STANDARD BIERGARTEN
Date Vibe: Id make, like, the chillest fucking girlfriend ever.
The Standard Biergarten is one of my all-time favorite places in the city to blackout in have a good time in. Its basically a huge, open, free for all, and an easy enough space to disappear into the crowd if you arent vibing your date is short. Plus its fun AF, which makes it the perfect first date spot. This is definitely the type of place that says I want to be your girlfriend but subtly because youre holding a beer mug the size of your head. If you suggest this place it makes you seem fun but, more importantly, chill. Like youre not the type of girl that three weeks in will call him 20 times in a row and message his mom on Facebook for birthday gift recommendations. Lol, got em.
Date Vibe: Im DTF with video games & your head.
Have you ever dated a guy before that you literally could not give one shit about impressing? Like, you could call him drunk on New Years Eve, profess your undying love for him, and then not call him again for three weeks and hed still be there waiting in the wings? AND you wouldnt feel an ounce of embarrassment about your behavior? Yeah, Barcade is that dude of first dates. The beauty of this date spot is that you can take the bro youre unsure about here and no one will be the wiser. Reminiscent of a vintage arcade, this place is chiller than your living room on Game of Thrones night. Dont bring someone here if you see some sort of potential with them because this is a hookup only type of place. I, mean, its an establishment that promotes playing games for god’s sake. Think about it.
4. MIDDLE BRANCH<
Location: Murray Hill
Date Vibe: Im here
for your money because we have a lot in common
Located in an unmarked two-story townhouse in Murray Hill (vomit), Middle Branch is the typical cool NYC speakeasy that you only ever go to to make your friends back home in suburbia feel jealous. And while you normally wouldnt go to an establishment like this on your own (hello, you want me to pay HOW MUCH for a glass of pinot?), its a great place to meet up for a date. Middle Branch reeks of pretentiousness so bring the guy that makes you feel like the Blair to his Chuck Bass. Though Im sure unlike Blair youre interested in more than just this guys money (lol, k). The vibe here is sexy sophistication and if you choose this spot then youll look sexy and sophisticated too and not like the thought of buying a $12 glass of wine makes you want to break out into hives.
5. DOWN THE HATCH
Location: West Village
Date Vibe: Fuck it, lets take shots
I literally only suggested this place because its close to work and thats kind of their vibe: convenience. Like, Dynaco, its not a place to bring someone you might be serious about. But if youre looking to make out with a virtual stranger have a fun time with your date then this is for sure the place for you. Theyve got foosball and beer pong in the back and happy hour is from 11AM – 8PM because this establishment would be nothing without their patrons undergrads with fake IDs. That said, its perfect for the 21 year old you just matched with who thinks youre wise and endearing because youre 25 and have a stable 9-5 job.
6. SALVATION TACO
Location: Murray Hill
Date Vibe: Im
fun and flirty basic AF
Again, youll have to brave the douchebag Murray Hill crowd to get to this place, but odds are if you picked this establishment you were probably already meeting that douchebag for your date anyways. A mix between a rooftop happy hour spot and a restaurant with bangin tacos, suggesting Salvation Taco will make you seem fun and flirty when really youre as basic as they come. I, mean, chips and gauc? Margaritas? Were you also in a sorority? Are you currently wearing some sort of Michael Kors designed item on your body? Yeah, youre basic AF but odds are your date will be too distracted by the rooftop views and lively atmosphere to notice. Be sure to take advantage of the margaritas because one, theyre amazing and two, theres no better way to start a relationship than by guzzling a substantial amount of tequila to mask your emotional insecurities.
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